On Losing...
What becomes of a person when they are gone? Their memories stay within those lives they have touched. The life around them, that, unfortunately, does not stop. Everything keeps going. The bed is made. The night table holds their glass of water. Their reading glasses atop that unfinished crossword puzzle; the one they set their mind on finishing later that night. Only, now, it is two nights later. The crossword puzzle remains unfinished and the glass of water, is half full. Yes, half full, because half empty is too much to handle for right now... My glass will always try and be half full... The one bedroom apartment looks exactly like I remembered it. The bookcase of classic novels, poetry and art books. Pictures, neatly, splattered on the shelves as proof of their travels. Familiar faces all smiling back at me. It all felt the same, like they were about to walk in the door. Only that didn't happen; it really didn't feel the same because the people who walked in were in fact family, but there were no smiles. Only sadness and disbelief in their eyes reflecting back my own emotions. The hugs were never-ending, the conversations began with "remember when...." and there was never a shortage of food because that was their way of taking care of us. And it was nice to be taken care of when other things were on my mind. I looked over at my family and how we had come together once again, how nice it was to see everyone in Romania after 10 years of being away - although I would've given anything to not see them under these circumstances. I had flashbacks on the strength and resilience of my grandmother and the calmness wisdom of my grandfather and pushed through the emotions. A strong link to keep pulling my family forward towards a new day... one that seems so far away, one that I am sure has sunshine and smiling faces, one that I do not want to come just yet because that means all of this - the passing of my grandparents - is in fact reality. And yet we have no choice but to move on. I want time to stand still. To stand still last summer, when I was home for a weekend from clerkships and they were in Canada. The last time I hugged them, the last time I experienced my grandmother's amazing cooking and the last time I sat down with my grandfather and showed him how to work his new laptop. Those memories are the ones that bring an ever slight curve back on my lips.
It has been 3 months since I've been back and life has hurriedly put me back on course. I am finishing up my 4th year elective clerkships and am writing my last exams before applications for residency begins. I cannot believe that the time has almost come and graduation is around the corner. Although I feel that this has been a long enough road. I will write on my elective experiences and application process soon.
I needed the time off to gather my thoughts.
Time to find my way back from Romania, time to find my way back from the loss. I cherish to have been so lucky to be close to all four of my grandparents and am unfortunate to have to experience their loss all within a couple years.
They are all together now.
sincerely,
IDL
