how do I...

How do I get out of my mind? over-thinking, over-doubting...

I've been saving to write a post until after our first block of exams were over. I've been back at school for 3 weeks and it's gone by incredibly fast.  The final semester. Let me repeat that, I'm in the final semester of basic sciences. I honestly still can't believe it. It doesn't feel any different from the other semesters... new classroom with some new professors and a longer class schedule but its still the same: school, home, study, sleep. Not much changed, but everyone came back with their "A game". My whole class is working like never before. Besides having 2 full courses we are also taking the Kaplan course for 2 hours per day to prepare for the big Step 1 exam. Needless to say it's  A LOT of material to keep up with.

I'm not going to lie and say that I wasn't nervous for this set of exams. It's the last semester which brings on even more pressure to do well and obviously pass the exit comprehensive exam in August. I've been more motivated to study and found myself focused all the time. Deep down there was this question of can I do it? I got to this point but can I actually pass? be a doctor?

How do I get rid of these doubts? When will I start believing I can do this?

I think I will always have this doubt. But it pushes me to work harder, so maybe it's a good thing? Not sure if I am the only one feeling like this, nevertheless it worked :) I got a great start to semester 5 and it looks like I won't be going anywhere but home in August (if I keep it up).

comments are more than welcome. Have you ever experienced something like this?

PS. looking forward to some down time this weekend... possibly going snorkelling :)

The Grandest Challenge

Sitting in a Starbucks, sipping on a vanilla latte and starring at this blank computer screen. Thinking. Watching people strolling. No, not strolling walking with a purpose, in a hurry, like they need more time. That's how I know I am back in Toronto. Here I am just sitting. Being in the moment... more like lost in the moment. Lost in my own thoughts. I've been trying to reflect on 4th semester and on my break. Believe it or not this is the first time I have had a chance to just sit and write since my last blog post. I am days away from flying back to school for my last semester at Saba. Time flies. But Saba is not what I wanted to share with you in this post. I wanted to reflect on how I spent last saturday in the Library listening to a engaging talk on Global Health. (I know as soon as you read that you probably went "ugh" and thought you'd rather hear about my observerships in the OR and what I saw shadowing a plastic surgeon, an ophthalmologist and a gynaecologist/oncologist. But trust me when I say this talk was something else).  It was called "The grandest challenge" and consisted of 8 speakers: Dr. James Orbinski, Dr. Peter Singer, Dr. Samantha Nutt, Dr. Abdallah Daar, Dr. James Maskalyk and Stephen Lewis. Each speaker reflected on their personal experiences and told stories.

Stories: make us who we are. They change us and choose us. - James Orbinski

Global Health has always been an interest of mine. What is it?... well, it's everything. From the social determinants to financial planning and innovation. The definition is both focused and encompassing due to the nature of the intercalation of the health spectrum. Finances, policies, supplies, transportation, access - these all contribute to the overall health of a population. And that's what this talk really emphasized.

I have never been the person who opens a newspaper and goes straight to the politics section. Actually, I probably have never read the political section in any newspaper (I am embarrassed to even admit that but it is the truth).This past saturday made me realized how much of an impact politics has on healthcare, especially in developing and war-torn countries. In places like Sudan and the Democratic Republic of Congo, politics is everything - it won't matter if you have the resources and personnel to help maternal health if you cannot get into the country. I have become more aware that participating in Doctors Without Borders deals with these issues all the time (even though they are a politically neutral organization). And as a doctor, the more you know and understand the history of the country, the better you will be able to relate with your patients and those you will be working with. As a result, I have made myself a promise to pick a country every 2-4weeks and spend time learning about it. Challenge myself to become interested in politics and history and make the connections between them and healthcare.

An example Dr. Nutt gave was that of mining areas in the Democratic Republic of Congo and the incidence of women raped. When these two maps were plotted and superimposed in 2009, you see an astonishing positive correlation... this is how it was discovered that the military personnel around the mines were raping women and then cutting the soles of their feet, from heel to toe, to mark them. Doctors would treat these women day after day but the women refused to reveal what had happened. 

In any case, Saturday was eye-opening and made me think which, I think, was one of the goals of hosting the talk. I hear they will be running it on TVO, I can't express how much I recommend everyone watch it!

some quotes that stuck with me:

"Do what you CAN do"

"Resilient people, resilient planet." (also the name of a report by the UN.)

"The definition of trying is having the will to fail in order to succeed"

(Video from Dr. James Maskalyk's blog on his experience in Sudan with MSF.) 

Life on Saba... in 1937

Found this short documentary about the life on Saba in 1937. The island looks stunningly similar to 65 years ago! Pretty cool.

footsteps & a beating heart.

"Burnt out"

These are words well known in the vocabulary of Saba students. It usually happens after the 3rd set of exams. Your body starts shutting down; your brain is not switched on anymore. You are in a daze all the time, just staring at the professor with that dumbfounded look. All you want to do is sleep. All you can think of is sleep. Sleep.

Instead of sleeping after these past exams I pushed myself to go for a run. I was so tired coming out of the exam centre but I knew I felt too jittery to sleep. Residual agitation and stress kept my body wired. As tired as I was, I couldn't sleep. Does that even make sense? Too tired to sleep? Is that even possible?
So I told myself that a short run will help me clear my mind, make me physically tired and allow "the crash". It was bound to happen. Crashing (aka very long naps and blankly watching tv shows) had to happen for me to be able to go to class the next day. I didn't even take my ipod on my run since it was going to be short...

I started running my usual route. Went up the massive hill, took a few minutes to take in the view of the sunset over the water. It was so quite; nothing around. All you could hear were the leaves blowing in a soft wind with that fresh water smell - you know, that smell you get in the spring when everything is in bloom after a long winter? it was THAT kind of fresh smell. Invigorating. I headed  back down the hill  at a steady speed, reached the last hill before entering back into the village of 'the bottom' and going home...and I find myself turning around and going back up the hill. My mind was clear and all my body wanted to do was run. No music, just me, my footsteps and heart beat. It was then I remember why I loved running so much. (I haven't stopped running, but it definitely has been cut out of my schedule much more than I wanted to... sacrifices for studying were needed). I ended up running double my usual distance. I didn't even know I had it in me (probably around 5km... with hills it seems much longer).  That last hill was in sight for the second time I felt like I could do another lap but decided I should stop - I hadn't had much to eat and after 3 exams I knew I must be exhausted. As I got home and took a nap I kept wondering what had kept me going for such a long distance... all I could come up with was stress. Running was my outlet, letting go of all the anxiety of exams: did I study enough? did I study the right way? will I do well? All these questions rush through your head as you enter that exam centre. There's no way of stopping the flood of nerves through your body.


Running is my outlet, what is yours?

How badly do you want to succeed?

I know I haven't been keeping up with my blogging for a while but studying pathology is taking over all my time! Thought it'd be nice to post this motivational video... his speech has kept me going during a couple of long nights of studying. Guess what? it's better than caffeine. So watch it till the end - its worth it.

Maybe it will help someone else too :)

Okay, back to another long weekend of studying for tuesday's exams. Can't believe we are already on block 3. Time is flying by this semester... next thing I know I will be coming back to Saba for the last time to finish 5th semester. Weird.

Post block wave of joy

2nd round of exams are over! I was pretty happy overall ... really glad to see that my 16hr days of studying are paying off :) It really feels good to see some results (unlike third semester).

after exams a bunch of us went to spend the rest of the night at Well's Bay (the place where Saba actually gets a sandy beach when the tide is low... I have yet to see this miracle beach!). We had a BBQ, a couple of beers and a breathtaking view of the sunset with rolling waves. Pretty awesome way to spend the day after 3 exams.

if I went to a canadian medical school I would definitely not be able to see this... isolated islands have their perks, don't you think? 

:)

Block weekend once again...

I don't have much time tonight but I thought I'd share some pictures of Kim (my physical diagnosis partner) and I, smiling happily, after doing very well on our second clinical skill assessment exams (CSAs)!  This semester we get to 'play doctor' and learn some basic examination skills on actual people :) 

By far my favourite class.

Alright back to studying... long weekend ahead. wish me luck on tuesday!

Speechless

I loved last weekend. I felt the surge of curiosity and pure joy of exploring new places. I was left speechless...

My friends and I decided to take the challenge of climbing Mount. Scenery, a potentially active volcano and the highest peak in the Netherland Antillies Islands. It is one of Saba's tourist attractions and now I know why. 2877 feet up in the sky - literally - you can see the whole island of Saba and if you are lucky to get to the top when the clouds have cleared you can even see St. Eustacius, a near by island.

 starting our hike in the morning and we see this sign... only 1064 steps :)

 We came across some orange trees early in the hike. I decided to put my childhood tree climbing skills to use and get some fresh oranges for the road (thanks big brother for perfecting those when I was little!). They were pretty tasty, although my friends weren't too fond of them - I guess I'm not a picky eater OR I was just too excited to be spending time outside of the library

The actual trail to Mount Scenery was half under construction so we ended taking 'Bud's Mountain' back around to the Bottom village until we reached the mount scenery trail again... downfall of all this? Bud's mountain was sooo muddy.

This was on the Bud's Mountain trail looking up at Mount Scenery. Our goal? that tower in the distance at the very top of the mountain. The weather wasn't looking so promising at this point but we were all glad it wasn't fully sunny for the way up - it was hot enough!

It's funny though, I somehow still got a tan. Yay! UV radiation through the clouds. haha

We reached the rainforest/jungle part by this point. It made me feel so small. It was nice to be able to be part of nature again... its something about the smell of fresh vegetation and dirt.

You can see how high we were by now... almost in the clouds

...and the dreaded steps began...

and didn't end until the very top. Our thighs got a very good workout!

up in the clouds now :)

Climbing the last stretch to the highest point. This was the funnest part :)

 we made it! Mike was ecstatic 

.. and then it started to clear up and it was an unbelievable view

my hiking partner, Simi, and I enjoying our accomplishment. Climb Mount Scenery? Check.

Great spot for reflection and taking in nature's beauty. I will have to do this again before I leave the island

 the green lushes of saba. It is quite beautiful

back in the muddy trail on our way back down. Ankle deep. Mud is good for the skin, no?

we took the shorter, but under construction path back down because we started slipping (*cough* Mike *cough*) going back down. It was a fun route, trying not to fall through the cracks.

we made it back down and we were ready for some food!

So... if I haven't convinced you that I loved our hike last weekend here is a video I took at the very top.  

... I hope you are now packing your bags. Be adventurous.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

Reflecting in paradise

People find it strange when I tell them that I was looking forward to coming back to Saba... I really started to built my life here, calling it my home (away from home) and getting back into my school, study, eat, run, sleep routine. I've settled here and I love the experience... it's my paradise.

Since being back I've had my mind set on some school specific goals. My mom sent me an email a few weeks ago about reflecting on the past year and moving forward. It's a list of things from David Allen, the founder of "GTD: getting things done". An organization which talks about ways in managing your life the way you want to. He has some great ideas if you feel in reflective/goal setting mood. Anyways, I wanted to share his questions for the new year with you....

• What would you like to be your biggest triumph in 2012?
• graduate from the basic science program at Saba feeling that I have tried my best and feeling satisfied with my efforts for this part of my medical school journey.
• What advice would you like to give yourself in 2012?
• "when you think you've reached your maximum potential, you haven't. Keep pushing."
• What is the major effort you are planning to improve your financial results in 2012?
• hahaha. Try to stay as much out of my loan as possible. Student living is a pretty big priority
• What would you be most happy about completing in 2012?
• well I think this one goes along with the biggest triumph but I also would be ecstatic to finish a half marathon (one of the goals I've set for myself - will be running in October if all goes well!)
• What major indulgence are you willing to experience in 2012?
• traveling. Traveling is my addicting fascination. I love immersing myself into a different culture and experiencing different ways of life. I think it's an essential opportunity to learn about interacting with people and opening up to understanding the world. (I know this is a vague answer but I am thinking of doing a post after exams about traveling and what it really means to me -- I've been thinking about it quite a bit lately)
• What would you most like to change about yourself in 2012?
• become more aware of my surroundings and less clumsy in day to day tasks - I think they go hand in hand haha. I think I will keep the more personal ones to myself :)
• What are you looking forward to learning in 2012?
• integrating all my science knowledge with clinical diagnosis. I'm loving the application side of medicine!
• What do you think your biggest risk will be in 2012?
• hmmm. I think I will substitute risk with challenge. Soooo that will definitely constitute of taking the USMLE Step 1 test which will determine the rest of my life. Not scary at all, right? 
• What about your work are you most committed to changing and improving in 2012?
• more efficient study habits. I'm definitely getting the hang of "smart studying" but there is still a lot of work to be done.
• What is one as yet undeveloped talent you are willing to explore in 2012?
• I love the sound of an acoustic guitar but I don't come from a musical family so as a kid I grew up with sports and physical activity rather than music. I've given up on singing (trust me that's a good thing!) but maybe playing the guitar will be a thing I can try?
• What brings you the most joy and how are you going to do or have more of that in 2012?
• pursuing my dream...
• Who or what, other than yourself, are you most committed to loving and serving in 2012?
• 2012 will be about being selfish. Yes, I know this sounds like the 'wrong' thing to say but for those of you who know me will probably agree that it is a good thing. I've always been the type of person to go out of my way to help someone out - even if it interfered with some of my plans - so this year I am dedicating myself to myself. I need to focus on my goals... this one is going to be tough.
• What one word would you like to have as your theme in 2012?
• Passion. (strength and motivation with a pinch of zeal.)

Your turn to start thinking.

Think with your heart

I've been working on a more reflective post but until I wrap my head around how I want to phrase it I thought I'd share this interesting art work.

Take it as is. Intriguingly ugly-beautiful is the way I can think of describing it. Tristan des Limbes is an artist from Paris, France.

see for yourself

I wonder what the message really is...